Rick the Car

I have never been a Corvette.

There has never been anything even remotely racy about my design.  I have never been fast, powerful, or particularly notable in any category.  I'm not a durable 4x4 because I can't take much abuse. I'm not a station wagon or a pickup truck because I can't carry much.  I don't know what model I am but being American-made I'm sure I was assembled from a mishmash of stuff that originated in many other countries.   It's a wonder I work at all sometimes.  Many of my individual parts are pretty substandard.  As a whole I seem to function without too much maintenance.  I go in for a tuneup once a year or so.

I am, however, starting to wear out.

My windshield is distorted and hard to see through without squinting.  There are bugs all over it, and it seems like they move around on it all by themselves... Like they're alive.  The wipers don't help.

My engine is not very powerful.  It doesn't seem to leak anywhere, but that's about its only positive point.  It has multiple issues, but at least it's still running.  The accelerator seems to have a mind of its own: Sometimes it idles when it should be racing, and other times I can't even get it started.  Every now and then it misses badly and other times it purrs.  I can't trust my sensors any longer.  They are giving me all kinds of erratic readings.  I hope it keeps working for a while longer because I can't afford a mechanic to fix it, and that's assuming I can even find replacement parts.

I'm a little worried about my cooling system.  Usually I have no issues with overheating, but sometimes I can jump to the boiling point instantly.  I usually have no warning that it's about to happen.  Oddly enough it usually happens when I'm asleep in the garage.  All I can do is flip my doors open to let some fresh air in until I cool back down.

I don't run too well in cold weather.   If it's cold out I prefer to stay inside a nice heated garage instead of venturing out.  Yes, I prefer hot weather.   I like the top down, my windows down--Heck, I'd even take my doors and everything else off if I could.

My alignment has been out of whack since I can remember.   I seem to track fairly straight down the road though considering that my front wheels are toed-out way out of allowable specifications.

My suspension is pretty tired.  It can't take the heavy-duty bumps and jostling like it could when I was newer.  There are lots of squeaks and pops--especially when I start moving in the morning.  Sometimes I bend a spring or something doing something I shouldn't be doing.  That hurts.  I think all my joints are badly in need of grease, but the fittings have long since stopped taking grease.  The only option is replacement and I don't feel like going through that.  I'm not worth the expense.

My finish is pretty bad.  I'm covered with dents and dings pretty much everywhere you look, and I'm nowhere near as smooth as I used to be.  My top is much, much lighter than the brown color it was when I was new.  Apparently it has been bleached by the sun.

Sometimes a strange sound comes out of my tailpipe, followed by a lot of horn-honking from people behind me.  They scream of smoke and a foul odor but I don't notice anything.  It smells fine to me.

When I was newer I was bad and I breathed smoke all the time. Since that doesn't happen any more I've found I don't have to worry so much about my air filter. I can breathe much easier than I used to.

Apparently I have a variable-size gas tank.   Either that or it occasionally leaks.  Sometimes I can take in and inordinate amount of fuel, and other times not so much.  The leak would explain why I run out of gas so quickly sometimes.  I think I get better mileage when I use good fuel, but I don't always like the taste of good fuel.  Sometimes the crappy fuel is just easier to deal with and more convenient.  Besides my regular fuel I like to use additives.  I've heard that some of the additives I drink are bad for my sensors and filters, but I like the added pep it gives me.  It makes me feel young and perky again--if only for a short while.

I think I'm doing pretty good for my age but I shouldn't take it for granted.  I need to start increasing the frequency of tuneups.  I guess that means I'll have to suffer the indignity of having someone look at my underside once again.

Sigh.