Guys and Restrooms

People have funny little things they do in public bathrooms. Okay, I should say men do--It's not like I go into women's restrooms all that often. I'm sure men are the worst though. We're such an insecure bunch.

I'm not without bathroom faults myself. Sometimes I'm stricken with the "shy bladder" phenomenon at a moment's notice. See, some urinals have no privacy separation of any kind between them, and I guess subconsciously it's like being under a magnifying glass. It's not like the person next to me actually has his head turned toward me (bad male etiquette), but who's to say he doesn't have his eyeballs cranked or have above average peripheral vision? In any event, the result is the same: It takes me longer than normal to get started. If I'm the first one finished then I'm overly conscious of how I finish up--Making sure I don't overdo anything.  When I was in the Air Force, there was one building that I remember being in where they had a long row of toilets all out in the open.  I think there were like 8 or ten of them lined up like this (it was the only picture I could find on the web--I guess it's a thing of the past):

How's that for lack of personal space?

At work we have little walls between the urinals.  Even though you can see the person next to you, you can't "see" the person next to you (you know what I mean) unless you want to lean over (again, bad male etiquette).  Apparently, that's not enough for some of my coworkers, because if there's someone at one of our two urinals, they'll opt for a toilet instead.  One guy at work will actually turn away slightly if he's already at a urinal when I walk up.  Funny.

Then there are antics of the guys who want to go sit in a stall.

I've witnessed this several times: I'm washing my hands at the sink (which is located outside the restroom).  I've just come out and know there is one person inhabiting one of the two stalls.  Someone comes up and opens the door, stops, and turns around and leaves.  I don't know--Maybe they don't want to subject anyone else to something potentially horrible.  Maybe they just can't bear the possibility of someone hearing grunts or other noises.

Along those same lines, there are guys that go into a stall and the first thing they do is flush the toilet--whether it needs it or not.  I figure there are two reasons: Either they're expecting to make a lot of noise right off the bat and are trying to mask them, or they can't bear the thought of potentially contaminated water possibly splashing their exposed nether regions.

Okay, let's talk about hand washing (or lack thereof) for a minute.

Although we do have a small sink inside the restroom, most everyone uses the same big, round, handwashing sink that's located outside the restroom.  It's actuated by stepping on a ring that runs all the way around it just above the floor, see?

It makes a  squeak noise when it's stepped on that's very easily heard.  When I go into the bathroom to do my business at the urinal I notice when someone is in one of the stalls. I don't know why, but I do. So, when that person is finished and walks out of the room behind me, I listen for the squeak of the sink actuator.  If I don't hear it, it bothers me.  I think to myself, "Which disgusting animal was it this time?  Will I end up touching something after he did and not know it?"  If it was someone that was standing next to me at the urinal and leaves without hitting the squeaky alarm ring at the sink, it's more of a, "Aha! So you're another one of those are you?"  I try to make it a point to know who they are.  It's kind of a thing I can mentally hold above them: ("I know all about YOU.  You're disgusting.")

There are always the guys that will go into a stall several times a day.  Whether they have IBS or are just wasting time I don't want to know. There was one time a few years back when the shop foreman went into the bathroom and heard snoring. It turns out that a new employee was asleep inside the stall (basically sawing logs instead of pinching em).  Whether he was actually doing his business when he fell asleep is unclear.  Needless to say, he was gone within the week.

I pulled a sort of funny prank a number of years ago when I worked at Valley Pontiac in Auburn.  Through a door from the shop We had a small stairway that led to a small area that was our lunch room and locker room.  Off that was a teeny bathroom, only having a small trough and a single stall with a toilet in it. There was one guy that worked right next to me that had a daily routine.  Instead of eating his lunch upstairs he ate in his work area with his nephew that also worked there. Directly after lunch he would go upstairs to use the the toilet.  Because we wore uniforms (like all new car dealership personnel do) there was always an abundance of dirty ones for the uniform company to pick up sitting in the locker room. On this particular day, I put a pair of someone's used uniform pants over a pair of someone's boots that were also up there and scrunched them down around them, placing them directly in front of the toilet and closed the stall door.  I let several of the guys in on it, and sure enough, he went upstairs right after lunch ended. Seconds later he reappeared.  A few minutes went by and he went back upstairs--Only to again come back out the door a few seconds later.  After a little time went by he attempted it again.  This time he stayed a little while, and when he came out the door he had a little smile on his face.  I'm glad he got a little chuckle out of it because the joke would have backfired considerably if he actually had some sort of bowel issue.

That concludes my attempt at potty humor.